This might be the most important post I’ve ever written. Ready to hear something incredible right now, for free, that will switch on your inner peace and help to heal your past and attract healthier relationship dynamics?
Yogis have said this for centuries: that others are a mirror for your inner state. But wtf does that really mean? In the West, we have a psychology term for it: Transference. First coined by Freud and continued by Carl Jung, this describes the energy we are ACTUALLY putting out to other people, instead of what we are consciously saying or doing.
When the transference is coming from deep fear/anxiety states and beliefs, usually picked up in childhood from a primary caregiver, like mom or dad, or both, you can say healthy, loving things, and even do them all you want–but the people around you, especially those who remind you of that caregiver, WILL ONLY RESPOND TO YOUR FEAR STATE, and act like the thing you’re afraid will happen!
If your mom was critical, and you carry a belief that mothers are critical, then you will a) be attracted to critical people, and then fight them to stop criticizing you, saying “I deserve to not be criticized!!!”.
In fact, and here’s the surreal part: even people who aren’t usually critical, if you are getting triggered, will BECOME critical around you because they are responding to your unconscious transference. You will be mystified by this, and very hurt, not knowing why people who are important to you seem to turn critical. You might even think that people are just generally that way, which can be isolating and depressing.
Thus, you see women who are like your mom, and probably other important relationships who hold a charge and a vulnerability for you–your love partner, one or more of your kids, your boss…as critical, and you can try to switch partners or jobs, for example, but you may find that you keep running into the same relationship dynamics again and again.
This is crazy cool, actually, because if anything is resonating from you that you’re conscious of, you can become aware of it, and then heal and change it, and your outer world will change too!
Here’s an example:
Rhonda (not her real name…well, her real name but she isn’t a real person, so…) had a dad who was emotionally distant and “abandoned” her–left the marriage and her family home at a young age.
She carried forward a fear of being left, and a belief that men can abandon and blindside her at any moment. She can’t trust them, and they will always be distant, and run away. She knows it’s in her, but she also knows she’s worth more, since her ego front is telling her she’s OKAY, she’s BEAUTIFUL. She is worth of all love!
Rhonda has done some therapy, yoga, reads philosophy, understands where her fears originated from and even believes in herself more and more– and she acts more spacious with men and loving than ever before. Still, she seems to attract men who seem really close and interested at first, and then run for the hills after a while. She tries to date various types of men but it always ends up the same.
What her actions and words, and even conscious awareness say (I deserve to be loved, I am loving) are in conflict with her unconscious base of leftover belief and fear (I deserve to be left, you will always leave me)–and the fear state will always win, and cause people to respond accordingly, unless it is truly integrated and dealt with in a revolutionary and deep way–between her and herself, not the relationships!
In order to stop the cycle, Rhonda would need to investigate her possible transference states, with herself, and ask friends what they see in her and then, and I have to emphasize this because it’s super important: she must embark on a journey of becoming aware DAILY of her illusions of fear and abandonment, and begin radically giving those things to herself ALSO DAILY, not to others, until she re-absorbs the fractured fear-part and becomes whole again.
She doesn’t have to be perfect, or wait until all the fear is gone entirely to attract healthier relationships–just knowing it’s there, shining the light on her transference and also being able to catch it, not act from it, and in fact act on her own loving behalf more and more seems to be enough to change things for the way better.
Here’s a writing process I would suggest if you want to investigate this yourself, and also ask your supportive friends to read it after and tell you what they see… we will use Rhonda as an example:
1) What underlying beliefs do I hold about other people, especially close relationships, based on what my mother/father instilled in me?
Rhonda: Men can cause me pain. Men will leave me. (from my dad) I am not good enough to make men stay. (from my mom).
2) What are the things my ego/conscious behavior is saying to myself and the trigger people to try and compensate for these underlying fears?
Rhonda: I am good enough to love! I want and deserve an intimate, committed relationship! I want to trust you to stay! I’m open to love!
3) What do you REALLY mean when you do things for your close relationships? When you say “I love you?” When you reach out to someone via text or give a compliment–when it may be coming from the fear state and not from a clean place of neutral loving offering?
Rhonda: When I say I love you, or show up in some way for a man, from my transference state, I am really saying “I need you” “Don’t leave me.” “Tell me you love me back so I feel secure and good enough.” “Save me”.
4) If you can identify one or more anxiety states/beliefs, then begin to list all the ways that you could begin to give the OPPOSITE, positive experience back to yourself.
I could: do a check-in every morning with myself, to become more consistent and not abandon myself. In this check-in, I will forgive the erroneous illusions I had that I could be left, or that I wasn’t enough and give understanding, attention and care to those parts of me that are anxious, afraid, and don’t feel good enough. I am only human, like everyone, and I’m doing great!
Also I will not reach out through text, emails, words or actions to anyone who I feel like doing so to try and get a soothing response from my fear states. I will first meditate, eat well, create something, meet friends and do my own work until I have soothed my own anxiety, and then I will reach out from an easy, expansive and organic place in my heart that requires nothing in return.
I will take my relationships slower and create more space for my own self-care and other relationships so I can resonate in a space of wholeness and less stress around my trigger relationships.
I will, in every moment I remember, treat myself like I am enough, and fill my beautiful body, mind, spirit and heart with the goodness I keep saying it deserves. I will show MYSELF that that is true.
And on and on.
I’m curious to hear from you here–does this strike a chord in you, and what work are you doing around it? Give others ideas and I’m here to answer your questions! Please comment below…
Be well…radically love YOU.
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This was originally posted by Sadie Nardini via her facebook page. Sadie is an internationally known and respected yogi and has taught Me how to look within and find my inner strength to be unique. I have completed many of her training’s and have grown and become a better teacher and person along the way. Eternally grateful for your wisdom Sadie <3